have you fallen asleep

Yesterday was NOT the day to be a Cleveland sports fan. As I learned early in my childhood, ’tis better to root for the team opposing a Cleveland sports team than in reverse. The reality? When more than one team plays on the same day, both teams cannot win. Today = case in point. Both teams lost in OT. SERIOUSLY!?

have you fallen asleep – Paper Route

but i don’t know how to fight

I’ve had quite a large number of conversations in recent weeks about personality types, calling, discernment, vocation and of course, future. Being the person I am, I always am thinking about those kinds of questions, particularly about the future. I find it rather demotivating when I don’t know “what’s next” and have no way to prepare for it.

The last few months have been nothing short of completely opposite what my expectations. While I would generally say my success rate teeters around 70%, this year I’m toying with accuracy around a marginal 30%. Such is life.

What I’m doing, where I’m doing it, why I”m doing it… these questions baffle me.

Soldier – Angus and Julia Stone

we all fall down

God must be trying to teach me humility right now. Must be. Left and right, I have been disappointing others, myself, and unable to thrive in ways I have always been able to in the past. It’s not as welcomed a lesson as I think its supposed to be.

Alas… I feel pretty… humble.

dull knives – cabin

how the roots shape the tree

I hate it when you hear something on the radio so classice, your first thought is: “oh, that’ll blog.” Two issues here.

1) please read that statement. that’ll blog?
2) I can’t remember what it was.

that being said… i have no time to share any more except that if I ever do this to myself again (i.e. a finals week like this) please punch me.

father – horse feathers

ps. i want to change the layout of this blog – I’ve got the – 9 month itch? something like that. yup. change. need it. ugh.

oh the times, they are a-changin’

Almost two years ago, I found a book in the used book section at the bookstore entitled The Handbook on Denominations. Being used, and wondering just what the differences were theologically between x, y and z denominations, the book couldn’t hurt my pocketbook, for $5, I thought (oh how foolish I often am!)

Well, to make a very long story very short, oversimplistic and almost silly, here’s what big decision I found myself making on Wednesday. This letter should as shortly but succintly sum up what happen.

To Whom it May Concern:

As my e-mail on 2/26 stated, I’m writing to formal remove my name for the inquiry status with the PC(USA) in the Whitewater Valley Presbytery in the state of Indiana.

I want to make it clear that I made this decision after nearly 5 years of trusting and obeying a call to ministry with the PC(USA) and trusting that this choice is not one made lightly. To be honest, it is a decision I make with a heavy heart, knowing that I am walking away from a denomination that has shaped me into the woman and Christian I am today; as such, it feels like I am losing a part of my family or my body.

But I am encouraged to know that while I feel a deep loss in this decision, it is one I have not made out of selfishness or based upon fears. Rather this decision comes with much prayer, conversation, and affirmations from my community. I have made this decision after receiving both feedback and responses that have either forced me to ask questions about the denomination or my role within the denomination that would not have happened had I not begun this journey.

I walk away not denying or disobeying a call to ministry, nor to the Church, but trust that the God who calls me to love and speak Truth, also calls me to minister to a community willing to edify in the midst of counsel. My experience on this journey has infrequently been edifying, but I’ve found myself facing more fears that I cannot ever perfect what a group of people may want simply because I do not live in an identical box that others do.

I want to also be clear that it is not the seminary which I have chosen that has led me down this path; community members from within the Presbyterian community at the seminary are equally in agreement that while this decision is not easy, it is one I should make if I am to continue to thrive within the context of the church.

I am grieved because I know that I could have remained through this process, forged through the concerns I face in regard to any number of things, and ultimately, joined a group of people with whom I would gladly call colleagues and friends. Equally I am grieved because I know that my call aligns with this ministry, but I have come to a perspective where I know that my call is not limited by any singular denomination. My gifts and call will be met elsewhere with welcome arms; a fact I must cling to.

May the God of peace and grace be seen in these words, and may you know I write them with both love and brokenness on my heart and in my mind

Joyfully and Graciously.

Libby

to tell them truth

I was no doubt bred a basketball fan, through and through. My father has had season tickets to a local DII basketball team since the early 70s, and post-infancy I was the new seat-holder next to him. I could write a book about my love of going to these games, the father-daughter bonding time, the glee in winning seasons and sadness in losing seasons.

One of the former head coaches was one of my father’s good friends while i was growing up, to the point of visiting over family vacations, 4th of July’s at our homes, and of course, we visited the bench after every home game – win or lose. The Athletic Director, Dick, was friends with my dad and as I grew older and started attending more road games on weekends with my father and the other guys in our season ticket-holder section, I got to know Dick’s wife. 

Irony of ironies, I can’t remember her name. Why is that ironic? Oh, because she can’t remember mine. Well, she thinks she does. For the last 12 years, she has called me Michelle. But I used to feel so guilty correcting her that I just let the lie maintain. My dad and I laugh each Christmas now when I head home for the basketball tournament held just before New Years as “Michelle” and Dick’s wife catch up. 

So last night after the game, my dad called me and said to call back. I assumed it was to discuss the box scores. Nope.

When I first called, he said, “Hey Michelle!”
“Huh?”
“Are you coming home for Christmas?”
“What? Of course I am.”
“Ok, I’ll tell Mr. D’s wife.”
“What are you talking about.”
Commence parental giggles. “Haha, Mr. D’s wife wanted to know if ‘Michelle’ was coming home for Christmas.”

And that my friends, is a group of people from my 3rd home. I kinda miss Gannon basketball games! A LOT!

raise the tree – trent dabbs

i’m all backwards

I’m either having a mid-life crisis of sorts, at the ripe quarter-century mark, or I’m over-stressed, over-burdened and needing a long break from life. Either way, I’ve been miserable lately to be around. I mean, I still am making people laugh, but my brain is not necessarily a place I want to be around, so I can only imagine how others may or may not feel.

The fact here is that nearly everything that I’ve held onto as comfortable or truth lately seems to be changing, growing, or molding itself. Jesus/God seem to be the only constantly, except well, even my freaking theology is molding.

Now I don’t think that it’s bad to have my theology molding. In fact, I think it’s good to see things growing, or in the very least, to be exploring what I actually really and truly believe. Beyond this, it’s been great to be really delving into why and how I believe my beliefs. But guess what?

I’ve got some major issues with my denomination, I’m realizing. It kind of hit me like a ton of bricks around 10:15 am this morning in my American Church History class. I may not be what I always thought I was. Yeah… this is a problem.

So what does one do? What should I do? What can I do? Who do I talk to? Who feels the same way? How do I find people who feel the same way here? I’m sure they’re all around me, in every corner that I may or may not turn, and yet I know nothing.

Literally, I feel lost and alone. I feel forgotten in ways, and ignored in others. I wonder if church leadership ever actually really teaches what it really and truly believes. I want to re-sit in on church membership classes. I don’t remember learning ANY of this stuff in my confirmation classes, that’s for sure.

I’m at a crossing point, and I’m not sure at all which way to go. North, South, East, or West – all of these directions seem hard, long and confusing. I trust in six months I’ll be laughing, but momentarily, I’m not so much happy about it.

desire to be a blessing

those period of time when God is trying to realy teach a lesson to us, sometimes are the hardest, and frankly, most frustrating moments that life can provide. This is not to say that I don’t want to grow, but occasionally, I want growth to be easy. There are things I want to change, to grow, and to improve upon, without having to make it such a daily struggle.

And yet, here I am, as a child and immature brat, unwilling to really surrender parts of myself. I refuse to grow, and I want to slap God, wrestle with him and prove that I know a better way to grow. People think I’m funny? I mean, God must laugh like nothing else with me some days. “oooh, Libby.”

I’m going to be that 80 year old who still wrestles aren’t I? I should have been called Jacob, I think…

time takes time, you know?

well, it’s official. i’m moved. i mean, there’s of course the fact that i’ve slept in the bed here for 5 days now. but I think when I finally started to put things in “place, it made it official in my mind. we moved a sofa and bookshelf into the next official “home” today, removed a HUGE sofa (we’re going with 12 ft I think) that had been in there for, how long? oh, like 6 years. and i finally took 90 percent of the stuff in my car into the apt. i do have a detached chair in my trunk, too. HA. i have some clothing at the other place that I’ll need to retrieve, but I think I’ll manage til Anna returns.

in the meantime, i love the fact that moving = finding those things you tucked away never to recall having.

lots of reading starts on Monday, as my first of two straight 2-week intensives begins. american church history at 8 am for four hours a day does not sound like the most thrilling way to spend my time, but suffice to say, i’ll make it with Grete in the class… oh, and facebook.

Well, the good news is that the “move” in theory is over. I mean, I’m still living out of boxes and luggage, but really, i’m ok with that right now. I have 4 weeks to live normal, before suitcases are my mode of living. that’s ok… i suppose…it’s a good training session.

I wonder, lately, what it means that I’m so bitter lately. i wonder when the world stops really getting to me. Jesus, where are you really when I need you?