do you have to, do you have to?

think it over…

lately I’ve not been using this too much, so I started thinking a few weeks ago about why…

is it:
I don’t want the whole world reading my thoughts
I’m afraid of what certain people might think if they read what I wrote
Myspace is the newest fad
I don’t have time
I don’t want to have time
I’m overworking myself
I’m always playing the ADD game

those are all the thoughts that have plagued my mind in the last few months… partly it’s because I’ve been journaling much more lately on paper, which I find interesting, since I write drastically different in these two different froms of communication (I recall watching 20/20 a number of years ago when they had a piece which spoke about how people use two different parts of their brain when writing with a hand versus a keyboard… i believe, but don’t quote me, that handwriting uses the left, and computer the right (ha, I almost typed ‘write’ to be funny, but decided I was being immature)

but really, I think I’ve been too over-worked lately… and I’ve been doing it to myself, on purpose. I almost have this fear lately of being still, of just resting without noise… I’ve noticed it a lot when I’m driving, lately. I can’t ride in the car without a having music, and even that isn’t enough, so it’s talk radio, but that doesn’t work either, so I have to make a phone call. WHAT? That’s not exactly safe, let alone normal. Frequently (9 times out of 10) it’s not more than a 10 minute car ride, MAXIMUM!

I think I’m afraid of silence, of peace, or at the very least, of being with myself. And I wonder why… people like to be with me, I like to laugh at myself in groups… I find myself humorous most days (and extremely ADD most days) – (random note: I hate how ADD is the tagged ‘it problem’ of the day right now, everyone uses it as an excuse for not focusing, and I fear maybe I’m doing the same exact thing lately… I, in no way, want to mock this disorder, b/c it is clearly a crippling issue, but gosh, I cannot at all seem to focus (see, my mind just went somewhere else when I typed the word cannot, because i remember being in 3rd grade or so and I learned that the actual spelling of cannot was cannot, not ‘can not’ and I was bitter and frustrated because that clearly made NO logical sense to spelling, it’s two separate words that have to completely separate meanings, and to judge that that woudl not be one word made as much sense to me as, well, as NOTHING! And so, here I am, frustrated as all get out about cannot as I’m writing about a completely different issue)).

Enough about this except to say that I think I need to start to re-train myself into the world of silence and reflection… God gifts me with a whole day every Monday to relax and be quiet, and I’m pretty good at the relaxing part, but not so much at the relaxing part… I’ve never fully gotten into the Lent thing, simply because I feel it produces and overhyped, nearly commercialized sacrifice that people frequently pick back up, just to say for 40 days (plus sundays), God I don’t need this… but come Easter Monday (april 17th this year), I might partake back in this… come on… if you know that God really wants you to get ride of something, don’t make that idol disappear only for 46 days… and don’t wait til Ash Wednesday, do it when you need to, and know that GOD, your CREATOR can sustain you; and not just during the Easter season… but I understand why… (is that an excuse? I certainly hope not…)

I have other thoughts and saved posts which I plan to re-write in the coming few minutes and share here… but they need revamped


3 responses to “do you have to, do you have to?

  1. hmmm…not enough people seem to be reading your blog. If they are, they are not commenting. I will stop this cycle as of this moment!

    This is mike, the poor soul you helped “interview” around lunch at the church on Sunday. Thanks for your time and your questions. Maybe I’ll see you around…

    P.S. we are a lot of like when it comes to our views about the Church I feel. Maybe not, I don’t know. I just think we share some similar interested (i.e. Emergent stuff, postmodern theory, etc…). So we’ll have to dialogue sometime

  2. You are a funny, silly girl. Thanks for the post on my blog…thought I’d do the same in kind.

    Your ADD post is definitely true for you…but you pull it off well! You still get things done…

    And on the Lenten Season, rest, and silence, DING DING DING! You win the prize. Friend, how many times have you told me to cut back my work hours and rest? What’s that verse you gave me again? Isaiah 30:15? hehehe…know that I’m just picking on your for your own benefit. We can talk more about this later if you want. I’ve learned a lot, being stuck on crutches for the past week…

    Anyway…hope you survived the power outage last night…look forward to catching up more with you again soon! Take care friend!

  3. For once, I can honestly say that I know exactly how you feel. ADD has always been a stumbling block for me, in most everything I do. Heaven forbid I try to use my computer for homework. I won’t do a lick of research. I find silence to be detrimental. I can’t sit in my room without a fan, or the tv, or some music on. The noise seems to help drown out some of the thoughts that lead me on tangents. Also, when I do become unfocused, I can just listen to the noise, and that will re-focus myself (that sounds weird). But yeah, if you wanna know more about adult onset of ADD, you should talk to my mom. She was diagnosed a while back. Maybe she could help a bit. Oh, and sorry for not commenting, I hadn’t checked in a while cause you stopped writing.

    In case you haven’t figured it out, this is Josh, I got an account.

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