when i was walkin’ in memphis…

I seriously need a roadtrip soon that is actually me doing what I want to do… Nashville… a concert… a laugh… a friend… wine… anything… then i think to myself… in 4 months I’ll be taking the roadtrip of a lifetimemoving myself, my stuff, and what I’ve called life to California, to Pasadena… no longer when I turn my eyes to the West will I see Cleveland, Youngstown, Illinois, or flatness… i’ll see the Atlantic Ocean… my sister will see the rest of the United States from her perch looking westward, and I, the rest of the West…

I’ll go to a little place they call Fuller, hanging out with friends from college, friends from high school, and new friends I’ve never met until I arrive…

God’s been ripening me for this period in my life for a while, and sometimes I get really bitter about the whole process – or at least I did – something about the idea of full-time ministry with a title for a long time scared me, or angered me – maybe because i don’t feel like I was fit for it, really – i feel ill-prepared, immature, silly, un-sage-like, un-anything really… but I guess the whole idea of God being in control, instead of me needs to and must take control over my mind… he’s genius… he calls us into community, into ministry, well, really, into life in him and with him, to be his hands and feet, to live, hopefully, imago dei, but there’s no way to do it unless we completely surrender ourselves… yet somehow, there seems to be a part innately with humans that never wants to be surrender… but surrendering really isn’t a scary thing, or a bad thing, or a dangerous thing… it’s a beautiful thing, to know that someone just a tad bit smarter than us is in control, and is in control because he actually knows what’s going on… when we finally find him, or when he’s found us, or when we’ve finally met him, embraced his love has he has embraced us with for years, that’s when we find ourselves pushing away, thinking maybe that we’re actually in control of our lives…

right, not so much, Lib… that’d be me that’s in charge… in order to live for God, to live out his call, I’ve got to, i must let him lead the way… he’s got to be in charge, nto me… I”m not saying that the decision for seminary was delayed and ergo, I’m not int he right place that God has plotted out for Libby… i think all of this process, from Westminster, to the Gap, to ZPC for one year, to a 2nd year, was truly all a part of his mast plan, or at least, the plan that’s occured… i was supposed to be at this church, in this ministry, with these students, with the Hollys and the Bethanys right now… and as much as it kills me to go, I know he’s prepared other hands and mouths to feed others… and it’s time for Libby to be fed and prepared for the next step in life…. it’s scary, but so freaking exciting and overwhelming in a beautiful way…

and so it was, me finally surrendering that, not necessarily thrilled to be doing so a few months ago, but finally cognizant that no longer was that fight let him lead me this year permittable, that the decision i’d already made actually felt right, good and peaceful… I get to spend 3 years of my life preparing to work for this cause… for the future… for giggles, and pedicures, fattening food, and healthy food, silly girly movies, and tears, prayers to Abba with 45 girls, because, that’s his call for me… and I know it’s right, and I know it’s beautiful, and I know that it’s my path with him…

I don’t know what the future holds; heck, what tomorrow holds… but I can’t wait to see… my prayer is that his joy, his elation for the future fill my steps, fills my smiles, my laughter, my snorts, and my giggles in the coming weeks, months, and years… and that this love lavishly pours from my mouth has live out this life… i may stink at it occasionally, and I know he’ll cry when I screw up… but I know also that my Savior, my Prince of Peace is watching over me… and has a plan prepared for me… and God, I’m ready for it… I’m really ready! that’s more adventure than any roadtrip to Nashville, or art museum can provide, ‘cuz they’ll all be in the midst, they all already are in the midst…

P.S… I get so annoyed that Blogspot won’t let me post my newest musical obsession, so here’s my newest game… all thanks to a student who I think i’m related to… i mean, I should be related to, I mean, gosh I wish I were related to, cuz it’d make me smarter!

::laurianne cates – back in june::

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