when green meets red…

all of a sudden, this evening, the reality is suddenly sinking in that I’m moving… not for a few weeks, or a few months even, but for 3 years, to southern california to go back to school… what? how? really? are you sure? really? i can’t believe… they’re all thoughts in my mind (that, and why am I so obsessed with using ellipses and hyphens in writing online… whoever taught me this crap, grrr!

why does change happen? why do I want it so badly, yet fight it so unendingly the next? why do I get so sad and jealous of being a girl some days? I realize that’s an obtuse question to end on, but seriously…

I wish I lived out my life the way I claim to try to live it out – but this I mean, I wish that my thoughts and impressions of the world and life would actually mirror how I behave. I become like a 2-yr.-old a work, upset that I’m not a boy, because if I were, I’d be asked to do x, y and z… or that I’d be permitted to just be so random, flippant or spacey for the sake of being as such, instead of looked at as young or immature, or just plain ol’ weird… I wish it were ok to want to hang out with people, not because they’re cool or fun, but solely because I enjoy their company – and that my hormones didn’t get in the way of my interactions… mmmmphhhh….

I’m so ready to re-explore myself, re-explore ministry, re-explore life again, but for some reason, the idea of having to go and spend all this money all the while not actually ‘doing’ the thing i love doing seems rather oxymoronic and hypocritical to me right now… what I wish so direly and dearly of my experience at ZPC would have been would have in part been more time to simply process through my experiences with others… that’s what sucks about me, I need people to engage me to make me go to the ‘next’ step in my thoughts.

I really do hope that someday along these lines I meet someone who actually gets me and can slap me oh so often in the face but still love me through these arcane, asinine thought processes i find myself in…

in the meanwhile, I need to go home and do more of this, in my pjs…

…::…shane and shane::.::carry away…::…


2 responses to “when green meets red…

  1. Josh Peters

    hey libby – saw you lurking around my little corner of the web and decided to stop by. where in socal are you moving to?

  2. Look…I’m posting! Imagine that! I feel better today…actually pulled myself into work…still feeling kinda blah…but better than I was. Anyway…wish I could come to SoCal with you…not really sure how I can pull it off…

    And on another note…nobody’s perfect…you do live life the way you speak about living it. I am blessed to have you as a truth-speaker in my life…and I know others probably feel the same way…love yaz!

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