focus is an amazing thing… it affects a whole host of things: motivation, sight, attention, clarity, energy… i’ve noticed lately how spacey i’ve felt… everywhere I am, I think of other things that need done; that paper, conversation, homework assignment, phone call, work assignment, e-mail, message, nap, etc. I mean, some people are actually noticing how I don’t ‘sit still’ – it’s true… i jokingly refer to it as my ADD, but I’ve been thinking on it a lot lately: what is my problem?
I think it clicked this morning: contentment
Am I content? Am I happy? Where am I content? Where am I not content? How can I change this contentment (err, lack thereof, right?)?
frequently, people have others pray for them, asking for tranquility, calmness, stability, understanding, tolerance, joy, freedom from anxiety, resentments, or guilt but nothing appears to happen. People are naturally inclined to seek after such desirablegoods the way they would academic degrees, business success, or physical development with the additional point that they seek thorugh God rather than through other [people]. This is not the way to inner healing by the Lord. The Lord has his gift for us and we must adjust to accepting his gift. We don’t determine what we want and how we will attain it. We decide to accept the Lord’s gift and do whatever is necessary so that we will receive and retain it. Michael Scanlan in Inner Healing
So my question now is… what are you seeking after? what is any of us seeking after? are we really real? what is real? do we know how to be real? ugh, i wish this was easy… I wish life was easy some days, or at least, that i had the opportunity to wrestle with this stuff more readily… i guess i need to just cause it to happen… i’ve been so focused on the flesh lately… focused on myself… i’m sick of it, i don’t like me… it’s why i’ve been crabby for a week and a half… over myself? yes, I’m getting there…
is anyone willing to actually think through this crap, to talk through this with me? are you with me?