many men will drink the rain…

i’m not a person who ever gets “homesick” – the word always bothered me. As a person who’s natural character is always looking forward (sometimes to a fault), I find myself often frustrated with the homesick bc i just want them to enjoy what’s ahead of them, not behind. I view the past as something to learn from, not remorse for.

And I’m not ‘homesick’ per se – at all – but I am suddenly realizing that my life really is wildly different from anything i ever imagined, dreamed or pondered. But sometimes I realize that facebook, myspace, the like, while great tools to both connect with friends from Fuller, Indianapolis and PA, causes me sometimes to think a bit too much on the past… I love hearing from friends, students, co-workers, etc. But I’m realizing that my life the last two years, especially, was far more deep, real and complex than I understood – and frankly, I thought I understood it. God’s crazy, and uses totally unqualified people to do totally insane tasks. Why in the world he felt that I should be working in youth ministry from the get go is still beyond me. Why he sent me to Indiana, of all places? Yeah, still beyond me.

But I found life in new ways out there; I lived with Christ in ways I don’t understand. I wrestled with personal demons I don’t ever want to face again when I lived there. I hurt so much some days for others, in ways that never quite made sense to me. I felt so dead some days that I just wanted to cry, except I had no clue how to force that (sans onions). I want to wrestle more with these things here; I want to talk about my experiences, share experiences with others, share life with others, and I am. But I don’t know, I think my propensity (forgive me, i’m in the midst of a 12-page ethics paper (which I’m avoiding) to look ahead is almost causing me to do the opposite of my nature; I’m reflecting back not with joy and thanks alone, but with frustration and hurt. Where is that here? I have it, i have some of the most amazing, Godly friends here… but for some reason, i’m willing to be superficial with them in ways I’m not typically willing to accept normally.

See, I love love love life here. I love the friends I’ve made – the good friends and the ‘i’m sure we’ll hang out at some point, i just don’t know when yet’ friends. I even like the ‘i wonder if they really would be my friend’ friends! But I think my desire for authenticity in others is shadowing my own responsibility to be real and authentic with them. Suddenly I’m waiting for someone else to do all the work – yeah, not the way the world should be working. I don’t care if we’re talking about evangelism, relationships, friendships, etc… they’re all two-way streets. I’ve got to be willing to be myself in order to sustain life with others, right?

So I don’t know what all of this is that i’m saying (except that it’s 3:30 am and i’m exhausted, locked my keys either in the Catalyst or they’re sitting outside, and i’m avoiding the worst paper ever written ever) except that I want to be more real, and I want others to be more real – and I want to continue to have more fun. I want lines of ‘coolness’ or ‘funness’ to disappear, what I want is authenticity. Oh, and good New Years plans… yup…

ok, back to Reinhold Niebuhr, the proverbial end of me…


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