chasing cars…

i think i’ve heard that song once too many times in the last 4 days… the Gap all weekend long is miserable, i get all caught up in self and self-pity sometimes… too many people complaining about life, work, money (we never eclipse our ‘goal’ for the day), blah blah blah… i hate retail for this reason only – i like it when i’m able to help someone find something, because, well, I’m helping someone…

but then there are those days when you’re at class break and you suddenly feel so ___… for any number of reasons… you don’t feel cool enough, you don’t feel funny enough, heck, you don’t feel witty enough… you wish you were better friends with people, you with money didn’t rule your world enough that you had worked 18 hours over a holiday weekend only to wish to be with friends the whole time, except wait, where even were your friends? either on campus but not really with you because you suddenly rationalize that you’re no longer cool or fun or worthy of their attention… when in reality, that’s not the focus of you, or it shouldn’t be, or you don’t want it to be…

i wonder when it occurs that i really just stop caring? I mean, really stop caring completely about other people’s thoughts about me…

never, i would assume… but it’d be nice to think that that’s a possibility… that in fact, someone does and or will at some point, actually care both for me and I for this other in return, and that my lack of trust in man could be abolished for good some day. I guess it’s all in the eye of the beholder, and beyond that I must recall that in fact, i can’t trust man, but only my Creator, who thankfully is nothing like the broken man… maybe some day i’ll get that part figured out the right way, huh? i’ll get that i can’t trust anyone, but only the One.

Until then, for perfectly ambiguous reasons, i’m pissy, sad, frustrated and annoyed… and all with myself

i can’t wait til i individuate completely and become a real adult…back to finals studying… oh youth ministry

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One response to “chasing cars…

  1. Real adulthood is crap. Just thought you should know.

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