there will be a light

I have a love-hate relationship with e-mail. I love to receive, I hate responding (I write too much – novels, really). Oh, and sometimes I love what the e-mail says, sometimes I hate them.

I had been e-mailed about a month ago from a former co-worker at the church I worked at in Indiana just saying “hey” we miss you, and asking a few questions and I had avoided the response like the black plague – see “love-hate” blog para. 1. So what did I do? Avoided it until Sunday night at 1 am (better stated, Monday morning). I was in a bad mood – well, I was disappointed, to say the least. The mood pretty much carried throughout the week.

But I had totally forgotten that at the end of the e-mail, I attached this silly line: feel free to pass along any or all of this that you might deem helpful or appropriate to the staff – and give them my regards and love. Guess what – he’s good at follow through – clearly it’s not a love-hate relationship for Pat.

So I checked my e-mail Monday evening and found one e-mail. Tuesday evening found another e-mail. Tuesday night another e-mail. And tonight, about 30 minutes ago, a fourth e-mail. The last one was the doozy. I hadn’t heard from my old supervisor really since, well, since I saw him – and prior to that, since early Dec. I’m used to this being his M.O., but I was still pissed – yet I don’t say anything – I know how busy I am, for pete’s sake!

So I started to read the e-mail b/c I now wide awake – and what did I read – I end up reading him telling me how much they miss me, etc., and then that he’s crying thinking about how I ended up in Indy, etc… so I literally move my eyes from the computer and am in tears…

yeah, i don’t cry…

damnit, I miss that place… I miss those people… I miss my kids… I miss my friends… I miss ministry… I miss not having the chance to date or be interested in guys b/c there simply weren’t any… for pete’s sake, I miss the focus and drive I had…

so now I’m again sitting here, dwelling on what I miss, and more importantly, what motivated some of what i said in that e-mail… it was people, specific people at Fuller, and specific groups… gahhhh, this place! talk about love-hate relationships

I don’t get people – I don’t get how someone can deem me a friend and not talk to me. I don’t get how I can get pissed off when this person doesn’t treat me the way I want to be treated, yet i refuse to say anything, thus permitting the treatment, and then behaving bad myself b/c I’m pissed at the mistreatment – it makes no sense, and I solve nothing by not dealing with my own crap. But that’s me – I’m avoiding anything and everything like it’s my profession.

i need to get over myself, i know there will be a light

::there will be a light::.:ben harper and the blind boys of alabama:


One response to “there will be a light

  1. Thanks for your honesty.

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