I’m either having a mid-life crisis of sorts, at the ripe quarter-century mark, or I’m over-stressed, over-burdened and needing a long break from life. Either way, I’ve been miserable lately to be around. I mean, I still am making people laugh, but my brain is not necessarily a place I want to be around, so I can only imagine how others may or may not feel.
The fact here is that nearly everything that I’ve held onto as comfortable or truth lately seems to be changing, growing, or molding itself. Jesus/God seem to be the only constantly, except well, even my freaking theology is molding.
Now I don’t think that it’s bad to have my theology molding. In fact, I think it’s good to see things growing, or in the very least, to be exploring what I actually really and truly believe. Beyond this, it’s been great to be really delving into why and how I believe my beliefs. But guess what?
I’ve got some major issues with my denomination, I’m realizing. It kind of hit me like a ton of bricks around 10:15 am this morning in my American Church History class. I may not be what I always thought I was. Yeah… this is a problem.
So what does one do? What should I do? What can I do? Who do I talk to? Who feels the same way? How do I find people who feel the same way here? I’m sure they’re all around me, in every corner that I may or may not turn, and yet I know nothing.
Literally, I feel lost and alone. I feel forgotten in ways, and ignored in others. I wonder if church leadership ever actually really teaches what it really and truly believes. I want to re-sit in on church membership classes. I don’t remember learning ANY of this stuff in my confirmation classes, that’s for sure.
I’m at a crossing point, and I’m not sure at all which way to go. North, South, East, or West – all of these directions seem hard, long and confusing. I trust in six months I’ll be laughing, but momentarily, I’m not so much happy about it.