pit of emptiness

i have issues.

frankly, let’s be honest here… i want to be popular and cool, and with the cool and popular people, but i refuse to give in to certain parts of that world, thereby eliminating myself from their world. b/c i’m freaking real, or i’m freaking not a size 0, or because I’m not drop-dead gorgeous, or I’m not wiling to lay all over boys just for attention, or I’m not so closed off to ‘others.’

But frankly, that’s not what I want in life and that’s not what i think of the popular people. I see cliques, sure. But I see so much hurt and so much pain and I think, do you not get that I am JUST like you. Do you not get that I’m just as insecure, lonely, hurt, etc., I just don’t do it in a mob-mentality. And I don’t feel the need to be exclusive, yet I want to be in your exclusive club? What? Hi, oxymoron.

I can’t handle myself some days; the desire that I have to be find completion, love, support, or acceptance from men, or the cool people. Let’s put it out there. That’s what women want. We want the “better” people to like us, and we want the “cool” boys. If we’re the “better” people, we want the others to really get that we’re not better, but only admit that in the closet.

I want to be loved. It’s true. I want to be loved in a way that I’ve not experienced in years. It’s selfish, immature, and sad – but it’s frankly where the hell I am right now. I hate that when I thought I was at the point of maybe seeing fruit of something, I pushed for distance far too much out of fear and refused to fess up. That withstanding, I still am unwilling to communicate. I am unwilling to say “yup, broken = me.” Instead, I hide, run, and falsify myself as cold, distant, or whatever, just because it’s easier. When frankly, it’s not easier, it’s harder. It makes me miserable.

Why do I care who likes me? Why do I care that other people have become closer to others than me, and that I can’t get “in”?

Then it hit me… like a ton of bricks about 20 minutes ago.

I do it to God. I refuse to let him love me. I am refusing to let him love me in any shape, or fashion. In fact, I am proud of the fact that I don’t think that God is popular, cool, or hip enough for me.

what in the world have i done? and why? i don’t like me very much, not so much right now.


2 responses to “pit of emptiness

  1. Sin has an ugly face. I hate what I see when the Spirit finally reveals to me that what I think is pretty and beautiful is in fact ugly and breath-taking. Far from life-giving. One of my breakthrough moments in my Jesus systematics class was when my prof. described that we, as humans, are caught between pride and how great we think we are and then despair over how we’re not really anything and are worthless. They travel together, pride and despair. Like gorillas on the back. But better to drag them around than be alone before God who would smite us–right? When I heard my prof. talking about pride and despair, it was then that I started to realize what I really looked like, who I really was: the ugly duckling, the black sheep, the misfit kid. Then Jesus showed up and I cowered in the corner. Shock of all shocks, the smiting was already done and he had only come to offer me new life. Ok, enough preaching. Happy reading your book night at the cafe. Love!

  2. Libby, you have been tagged with meme. Please read all about it at my blog: http://designministry.org/2007/07/16/weird-habits-and-random-facts/

    Also, this was an amazing post Libby… I feel like you get to the heart of so many of my own issues and what my friends are dealing with too. Thanks for the transparency.

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