I’m currently sitting on/in the guest bed of my dear friends, Amy and Ben (and dare I forget their precious daughter, Bryn), who have ever so dearly – and graciously – welcomed me again into their home for a few nights. Last February they were a part of my surprise of flying in for a long weekend to Indianapolis to connect with people, surprise a few students, and merely get the heck out of California for a few days. This time I’ve at least got a chance to run into the office for a few days to catch up with some of the staff; let alone some grand times with students and friends for lunch, dinner and coffee dates. Some of the old favorites have been frequented or will be. (i.e. Eagle Creek Coffee Co., El Rodeo, BW3 and O’Charleys).
It’s amazing how ‘vacations’ work. You anticipate and anticipate for weeks on end about leaving home, being with people you rarely get to see or play catch-up with. Then you get to your location of choice and miss out on half the people, b/c it happened to be the wrong weekend to come (i.e. long-weekend). Simultaneously you miss your friends back where you live. Double-edged swords suck, in case you aren’t catching on to my understated frustration.
I have this issue (I’m now willing to term it as such) with living in the moment. I can’t seem to ever fully be content with where I’m at, I’m always looking at where I’m not. So I’m at Fuller, loving life, but still sad that I’m missing X, Y or Z from my previous lives (i.e. Mr. Zionsville, Finale, Youth Sunday, Awakening, Homecoming, Christmas Vespers). Then when I’m at those locations, I’m missing the routine parts of my life elsewhere (i.e. friends, random excursions, monty, arrested development nights, etc). Why can’t I just enjoy where I’m at?
So I’m working on it, however slow that it might be, with enjoying every freaking minute I have in Indiana for the time being. When I walked into Student Impact on Sunday, one of my friends jumped up from her seat and hugged me, saying “Welcome Home.” I’m not sure why, but hearing that settled my soul. I was home, despite however awkward I felt for intruding upon someone else’s space (i.e. the newest intern). I remember the feeling of being the “replacement” at ZPC, something that was rather challenging to move past – in my insecurity, I felt as though I could never successfully be the “Allen” I always heard about. Now I fear doing the same to the last two interns. I’d be so darn sick of hearing about “Libby” if I were them. But alas, this place is not only a fond, dear, two years of my life, but also home. Lisa was right.
There’s something about having Moms running up to say hi, Dads coming over to say “we miss you around here” that brought a touch of peace and joy to my heart. I’m sitting here, actually almost in tears. I get so frustrated sometime with why I’m not still here, or with what God is preparing to do next for me, that I’m unwilling to really accept where I’m at now. I’m at Fuller, I’m with the community of sorts that I’m in because of the call I was led to through ZPC, FPC, Westminster, Seekers, and FootSteps. Each of those times in my life were important discernment pieces for the current “present.” My past led me to my present, and I seem to attempt to run right through it too my future. If only I could accept this present as a blessing and assurance of hope for my future.
I’m learning to love the here and the now in these last few weeks. To enjoy the mountains as we drive through, hike up, or rest-stop in the midst; to relish time with friends from the past while I get them in my present; to laugh, cry or snort (seriously, it’s going away – thank God!) when I feel like it. It’s a freedom I’ve sought for a while. I hope it continues when I get back.