So I’m back… and the reality has sunk in, ever so rudely, that I’m back back. No longer is orientation months away, it’s a week and a day. No more running from some realities in my life. No more ignoring the fact that I’m moving, again, in a week.
It’s funny, this final leg of my whirlwind trip I literally didn’t talk to a single person while traveling. I’m quite used to, at this point in my life, that the person next to me on a plane will assuredly speak to me in a matter of ten minutes. Even when I think the person is going to be super crabby, for some reason they end up telling me about some part of their life – I love it, quite frankly. It certainly helps hours to pass when I’m avoiding reading a book that I HAVE to read. Well, don’t ask me how, but it didn’t happen. The only word I said my entire travel day was “thanks for trying” when my bag was awkwardly positioned on the belt and this guy and i kept chasing it around to get it off (it was lodged quite high “behind” some bags), and I finally managed to capture the stinker. (Sounds like a kid that I’m referring to! ha)
So instead I slept quite a bit (let’s discuss how delightful it is to have an empty row on flight #1), and read/listened to a row of coworkers degrade women for an hour an a half on flight leg #2. At one point, I was about 3 seconds away from turning around amd slapping them, or at least saying something witty and stern, but I refrained.
The lack of adult conversation, shall I say, that morning had me thinking a lot about how I was leaving, again, a community I miss and love greatly, but which has certainly changed and is in a clearly ‘bad’ place lately, to return to a place of true uncertainty. Fuller/Pasadena/what have you is about to change a bit, I do think. My life circumstances, my community, and the realities of Libby are certainly about to change, it would appear. I move next week, again, and with it comes a whole new experience in living. I FINALLY get a room to myself, that is actually mine. I get to pick a paint color. I get to purchase furniture (ok, let’s be honest – that is a few weeks away still). But truth be told, I’ll be living with a dear friend (yay, Anna!), and I’ll back on campus (yay, no driving!) And that’s just one smidgen of the realities of change coming my way.
As I pondered these ultimate realities in my life, I wondered if I am really ready for the changes, and if I’m ready to make some other changes in my life that I need. Am I ready to stop running away from people and myself? Am I ready to do some more growing up? Am I ready to shed this insecurity that runs deep in my veins? Am I ready to trust that I am worthy? Am I ready to stand up to some crap I’ve been dealing with?
Am I ready? I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready in the truest sense of the word, but I certainly think I’m prepared and equipped for the challenges that lay ahead of me. I trust, immensely, in this.
::::….::::child I can see ya::::….:::::katie herzig:::::