if I knew all this would happen…

As the first week of the quarter hit, I heard the comment that I seemed a lot happier or relaxed numerous times. I wondered why? I wondered how so? But it seemed that as the weeks picked up, my life quickly became more and more unbearable. I found myself unable to control emotions in class today, which for me is a rarity. I don’t cry in public unless I’m beyond hurt, or in pain. I don’t cry because I guess I don’t really like to be vulnerable en masse.

Maybe it’s just that mid-quarter stress. Or that I have yet another huge test to take less than 48 hours after the last. Maybe its that I have been moving relatively non-stop for 2 weeks now. Or that I seem to be everyone’s rock lately. It’s something I love to be, it’s something that I desire. But this morning in chapel, we were asked a simple question. Yet something that utterly rocked me to the core. Who is my Mordecai?

Oh my. I don’t think I have one. I don’t know who I really and truly rely upon anymore. I mean, I have friends. I say things that hurt me, where I ache uncontrollably. Sometimes. But when a former coworker told me that he sometimes didn’t think he knew me at all, maybe that’s the implication.

I haven’t heard from Indiana in 4 months. I rarely have the time to communicate with college friends. High school friends? Well, there’s poor Jen who hears those randomly ridiculous stories. But really… and truthfully. I feel extremely alone. I walk in the door and the only thing I see are people in love. Whom I love. Whom I am happy for regarding said love. But somehow feeling as though there is no one to lean on lately, I guess it renders me alone and hurt.

And to make such an effort to care for others, encourage others, and being a support in their times of trouble, I guess it just hurts more right now. I want someone to know how to comfort me. I want someone just to tell me nothing more but “I love you and treasure you as a friend.” That’s really all I want right now. But I guess my only choice is to sit her, cry it out, and suck up the fact that I get to take Bible Trivia Pursuit in two days and hope I didn’t lose another $80 to a denomination that has seemingly forgot me.


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