I’m in one of those funky places again in my head. I suppose there could be any number of reasons. It seems like I’m gripping about nonsense, but devaluing where I’m at does no one any good.
This overwhelming sense that there’s just no one present with me in life nearly incapacitates me at the most random of moments. Every day when I get home from being around people (read: work, class, tutoring, work, class, tutoring, meeting, work, meeting, meeting), I find there to be no one. I eventually end up at a neighbor’s door, just to see a human. I have no topics of conversation, no visibly erred emotions. But arrive I do. We talk school/work (read: the drama of working with your peers). I come home, get online, and hope that there’s again, someone to talk to me.
Quite honestly (and obviously) I can talk to a wall and not “feel” alone. To days ago I spoke maybe 45 words in total – 25 in the laundry-room with different neighbors. I said hi to my roommate and her boyfriend and exited back to my room rather expeditiously. No phone calls. No text messages. A few instant messages – from work, of course.
I have friends in the area: friends who have their own problems, transitions, hurts, joys. But I can’t even bring myself to asking to be back in their lives. I fear that I’m too busy on the outside (and inside) to be asked what’s going on, what I want to do, etc. I guess I’m really being a bit irrational – but I feel so damn alone its not even funny right now. I feel sad or guilty for wanting attention or wanting these dear people in my life to forget their woes. And its not to say that i want them to forget, I just am feeling bratty enough to ask for attention for mine.
So this time has been a not-so-subtle reminder that care and love for others cannot happen without a little dash of self-care. I guess the dilemma with this is wondering how that comes together. I guess I just want magic to form… soon….please.
signal laura jansen