too much, too much…

The problem with making grandiose statements like I did below is that you have to follow up your actions with your words. As is the case every other time I try to make change, I get symbolically slapped in the face. Wednesday afternoon I started to feel a little “not great.” By Thursday I was tugging at my ears like a dog chases a cat. By Thursday night, I could have cared less how many friend were in my apartment, how funny The Office may or may not have been, and I simply wanted to sleep with the hope of my ear’s pain going bye-bye. 

I’m a weird patient (read: finicky). Sometimes I like to tell no one I feel like crap. Othertimes, I want attention, love, affection and peace. Ironically – every time I got attention for this damn ear infection, I wanted to run in a corner and hide. I had no one who really knew me around me this entire weekend – I was with new or brand new friends for classes. Not in the same familiar town. I nearly OD’d on pain killers Saturday morning – did you know that you should not take 13 advil in a 7 hour window. Because I did, and I certainly looked not “well.”

At least I was justified, when the oh so kind Physician’s Asst. looked in my right ear and said, “oh gosh! How long has it been this bad!?” “Uh. 3 days. 2 this bad. I can’t really handle it much more – I’m going crazy.” “Well, uh,  yeah. That’s really bad.” 5 minute later he tells me that I’m probably going to have to go to an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist because “that’s just not normal.” Awesome. Thank goodness for the cheap health insurance at Fuller, eh?

And so, my patience. My joy. My thrill at the year to come – certainly has felt crushed in the last few days. All I really wanted was a friend to come check in on me, see if I’m okay. I’ve been subtlely reminded that community is a two-way street, and I can’t quite figure out what I’ve managed to create that’s made me so isolated and alone lately. I hate it, to be honest. I have no constancy, no really close friend here anymore. I feel forgotten, annoying, or not cool enough to hang out with anymore. And all I really want is a knock on the door and a friend to say, ‘you ok?’ not ‘I can’t believe you…” I make mistakes. We all do. But I guess I just need some added grace today (oh, and copious amounts of vicodin.) To clarify – the ear infection, is not improving. At this point, I’m hoping this ringing I’ve heard for the last 5 days leaves by June. Oy.

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3 responses to “too much, too much…

  1. Hmmm, it seems like there are quite a few people who feel sort of the same way. Last quarter it seemed to alternate between isolation and overcrowding, and I hated to ask people to do things. this quarter has been good though. Anyway, if we could get all these folks who are struggling socially together then it would be good for all involved I think.

  2. Ha! I feel ya friend…and I am so glad that you are re-initiating contact with the outside world…thanks for your calls, your encouragement on facebook or via email, and your prayers. I am thankful for you, and I wish we weren’t states (and 3 hour time difference) apart. Take care of yourself!

  3. not quite sure if i’m reinitiating, or just emerging 🙂

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