good little girls deserve their own place in the same world

I have love/hate relationship with decisions. I love to make them, but I hate negatively affecting others in my decisions. It’s why I hate picking a restaurant to go to for meals, movies to go to, etc. I’ll suffer for your happiness – some sadistic mantra I toot. It’s really ridiculous.

I guess this whole decision process as of late is what blows my mind – I made a decision for me, and yet I feel guilt, not necessarily for me – but for the others I fear I’ve hurt. Maybe better, I fear that others think I led them on. Ironically, I feel led on. As it turns out, I find myself worrying a lot in the last few days that my stubbornness could negatively affect my decision – I hate going back on my word. When I finally make a decision – it’s not going to change, regardless of how I feel about my decision after the fact. Not a good plan, probably, but it’s currently my modus operandi.

So here I sit, frozen in the fear that I just singlehandedly destroyed my future, yet trusting that God is at work in future, and ultimately, unsure of how I’m supposed to think or feel about the last week of my life. I know that God can and will redeem whatever stupid thing I may have done. And to be honest, I just want out of all ecclesial drama I currently have been presented. I sarcastically respond some days the ease with which I could find a job in my other degree and move on with my life without these vocational and ecclesiological questions of call. It sounds so much easier to just walk away and give up – to not obey – to ignore – to hide – to run. And yet, I know that is not an option. And what a dificult option it would still be.

So instead I’m sitting late at night, not wanting to work on papers and to start January all over again. I am tired – exhausted, really – and ready to just demand a lot of things from God at the moment. Hell, not just ready – I am demanding. I wonder when/if/how I’ll hear those next answers. I just want God to make a decision and inform me – how self-righteous, no?

honest man – cabin

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3 responses to “good little girls deserve their own place in the same world

  1. God has something amazing in store for you. How do I know this? Because you are an amazing person who continually blesses those you come into contact with. God will not let your talents be wasted; He has something much bigger and better in mind for you than what you can see right now. Keep on trucking, dear–I love you!

  2. Libby,

    I know this sucks, but I think you have made a good decision, especially considering that your being “outside of the box” was causing people to even question your faith in Christ, which I find absolutely silly! So…maybe it was the church you were with, maybe not. I don’t know. I just know that things were so hurtful that it was time for you to get out and stop being hurt or questioned because of lack of conformity to an expectation that isn’t biblical.

    I love you dear friend. I KNOW God will use you! He’s amazing!!!!

    Hugs!

  3. hahahaha… i feel this way all the time. one of the last lines in your post, about God making your decision for you and then informing you… i swear i have said those same words. excellent post, libbs. keep on truckin’–you rock!!!

    i don’t think you made a mistake on this one… seriously, though, keep in mind that God works all things for the good of those who love him/her (lol, i am sure i misquoted something, but you get my drift), and YOU are somebody who loves God and i have this hunch that God thinks the world of you… more, i think you are not just loved, i think you are genuinely LIKED by this Deity that we worship and adore. šŸ™‚ šŸ™‚ šŸ™‚

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