I have love/hate relationship with decisions. I love to make them, but I hate negatively affecting others in my decisions. It’s why I hate picking a restaurant to go to for meals, movies to go to, etc. I’ll suffer for your happiness – some sadistic mantra I toot. It’s really ridiculous.
I guess this whole decision process as of late is what blows my mind – I made a decision for me, and yet I feel guilt, not necessarily for me – but for the others I fear I’ve hurt. Maybe better, I fear that others think I led them on. Ironically, I feel led on. As it turns out, I find myself worrying a lot in the last few days that my stubbornness could negatively affect my decision – I hate going back on my word. When I finally make a decision – it’s not going to change, regardless of how I feel about my decision after the fact. Not a good plan, probably, but it’s currently my modus operandi.
So here I sit, frozen in the fear that I just singlehandedly destroyed my future, yet trusting that God is at work in future, and ultimately, unsure of how I’m supposed to think or feel about the last week of my life. I know that God can and will redeem whatever stupid thing I may have done. And to be honest, I just want out of all ecclesial drama I currently have been presented. I sarcastically respond some days the ease with which I could find a job in my other degree and move on with my life without these vocational and ecclesiological questions of call. It sounds so much easier to just walk away and give up – to not obey – to ignore – to hide – to run. And yet, I know that is not an option. And what a dificult option it would still be.
So instead I’m sitting late at night, not wanting to work on papers and to start January all over again. I am tired – exhausted, really – and ready to just demand a lot of things from God at the moment. Hell, not just ready – I am demanding. I wonder when/if/how I’ll hear those next answers. I just want God to make a decision and inform me – how self-righteous, no?
honest man – cabin